“Don’t Say That!” — 5 Phrases That Kill Confidence (And What to Say Instead)
Because the teenage brain is always under construction — and your words are part of the blueprint.
We’ve all done it.
Said something meaning well... but the impact? Eh — not so great.
The truth is: when it comes to talking with young people (especially in high school), words matter.
Like, a lot.
Why?
Because a teenager’s brain is literally being built — wiring and pruning connections every day.
Neuroscience calls this neuroplasticity.
We call it an opportunity.
The language they hear on repeat — from us and from themselves — shapes their self-talk, self-image, and ultimately their future.
So here are 5 common phrases we’ve all said at some point — and what to say instead to build belief, not break it.
1. “You’re just not a math person.” (or english, science, etc.)
What it does: Labels them. Locks them in. Reinforces a fixed mindset.
Say instead: “This might take time — and that’s normal. Struggle means your brain’s growing and figuring things out.”
Backed by Science: Dr. Carol Dweck's research on growth mindset shows that when students believe ability can grow, they perform better — even in traditionally “hard” subjects like math.
Language Tip: Add this to your go-to list: “Let’s figure out a strategy that works for you.”
2. “That’s just how you are.”
What it does: Tells them their identity is static.
Say instead: “That might be how things have been — but it’s not where you’re stuck.”
Reality Check: Teen brains are wired for identity formation. When we lock them into past patterns (“lazy,” “distracted,” “too emotional”), they often live into those labels.
Better framing: “What do you want to be true about you a month from now?”
3. “Stop crying. It’s not a big deal.”
What it does: Dismisses emotions. Breaks trust.
Say instead: “It’s okay to feel this. Let’s figure out what it’s telling you.”
Emotional regulation isn’t taught by silencing — it’s built by naming, understanding, and navigating. When you help kids process instead of suppress, you build long-term resilience.
Research shows that the simple act of naming an emotion reduces its intensity. (Lieberman et al., 2007)
4. “You’re so smart!”
What it does: Rewards outcome, not effort. Creates pressure to “prove” it.
Say instead: “I noticed how focused you stayed even when it got tough. That’s awesome! That’s what growth looks like.”
Why it works: When we praise the process, we train grittiness. And grit — not “smarts” — is what predicts success long term (Angela Duckworth, 2016).
5. “You’re the best on the team!”
What it does: Triggers comparison. External validation. Performance-based identity.
Say instead: “The way you lead by example is making a big difference.”
Especially in sports or competitive environments, young people need feedback that’s about who they are becoming, not just what they’re doing.
They’ll remember the impact, not the stat line.
Real-World Example: Jordyn Poulter – Olympic Volleyball Setter
Jordyn wasn’t the tallest, flashiest, or most dominant player on the court. But what made her elite?
Consistency. Leadership. Self-awareness.
She wasn’t always the go-to recruit. But her coaches didn’t label her. They challenged her — and believed in the process.
She became known not just for skill, but for communication, poise, and vision under pressure.
In 2021, she helped lead Team USA to its first-ever Olympic gold medal in women’s indoor volleyball — not by being “the best,” but by becoming one of the best at getting better.
What shaped her mindset?
Not hype.
Habits. Encouragement. Intentional language.
Final Thought: Words are like blueprints.And the teenage brain? It's always under construction.
What you say sticks — so choose phrases that wire them for confidence, resilience, and ownership.
You don’t have to be perfect. Just be intentional.
Until next time,
— ImpactEd.
P.S. Our full ImpactEd. Mental Performance Platform is almost here — a plug-and-play system for student-athletes and coaches ready to grow, lead, and level up.
Launch is coming fast. Stay close.
Wish I had leaders who had used these phrases when I was growing up. Perhaps things may have turned out different… but I can definitely help the next generation reframe their thinking with this info!